As I approached my front door, I fumble through my keys as I question is this the right time...
Anxiousness rises as I've located the key...and now the possibility of my outwardness shifting to inwardness is a reality...
I open the door, step inside, and disarm the beeping alarm. You don't have to take your shoes off...as a matter of fact...keep your shoes on cause the floors aren't clean. I can't remember the last time I've swept them because it's just been me here. I guess I should show you around...
Let's start in the foundation of this place...the basement. I've spent the last three to four years getting it together. I had to put in new floors and reconstruct this place because it wasn't in the best condition. It used to be filled with uncertainty, social norms, social pressures, self-doubt, jealousy, and tremendous fear amongst other things that consumed the beauty that it should possess. It was in desperate need of reformation and it took major time and dedication to establish a new and fitting foundation that suited me well. I'm satisfied with the outcome!
Now, as you can see...my purpose overwhelms this room. Music is everywhere and it consumes me. Whenever I'm doing music I'm sharing the best version of myself with the world. It's a vehicle that drives me to places that I didn't know existed in me. It's my highest level of expression because it's the God given gift that is my purpose. It's a bright light that attracts attention...attention to my introversion that wants privacy. It's often interesting to deal with. It's often misconstrued as well. It's powerful but it's not my power...
I see you notice that love is equally present here. Interesting enough I'm a product of this beautiful marriage but don't know if I'll ever have one. Not because I don't want one or I don't think I would be a great husband...more because of my purpose. How could something I love so much keep me from the love I long for? I have so much love to give...I have so little time to give it...and who wants that?
Do you want that?
Don't answer that...
not yet...
I haven't figured it out...
I obsess over it sometimes. I might be alone when it's all said and done and I've come to grips with that...I think I've said too much...let's get outta here.
Here's my kitchen...
It's become one of my favorite places over the last two years. I've really been paying attention to what I feed myself. I was in need of a serious detox to reset my system that was carrying the weight of other peoples issues. Sometimes I can simply care too much for the feelings of others and disregard myself. It's very dangerous...similar to an addiction...the addiction to please and care for others feelings...and when you go cold turkey to recover you feel guilty about it. It's been worth it to recover though. Often in that state I found myself being fed so much negativity and backlash from issues people were going through that had nothing to do with my life. Their negativity and self wallowing had a major effect on me daily so I had to choose to feed myself differently. I know I can't deal with pessimism of any kind. Sarcasm is another thing I have to avoid. I use to think that sarcasm was okay until I heard an elder say sarcasm is the least genuine mode of communication used by the insecure, passive aggressive, and angry attempting to make you their footstool to make them feel better. His statement troubled me but what opened my mind was his questioning of who really wins when sarcasm enters the conversation? Is it designed to love or tear down? That's when I understood he was right. I make it a point to over indulge in optimism and love and feast with people who do the same. Are you hungry for that?
Last but not least lets go to my personal room on the top floor. It's still under construction but very close to completion. Often it's the most difficult room to sit in because it's changed the most over the years. It's becoming something that I never imagined...something that I was afraid to embrace a few years ago. At completion it will simply be a room that stands alone! Every time I've rearranged it, I've questioned is this what's best for my lifestyle? I'd convince myself that it was and subconsciously minimize myself. I found that a numerous amount of my arrangements were influenced by something or someone who had an agenda for my life that didn't fit what I needed. I used to think that I should work hard to please and support everyone around me and I did that for years. I was the man who would bend over backwards to be at everyones event, party, meeting, start-up, ect. and rearranged my schedule by putting off what I was called to do at my core for someone else just to vigorously work on the back end to satisfy my personal needs and that process continuously fell short. I found myself complaining a lot about it until a friend brought it to my attention that my complaints were my fault. I chose to put others before myself and the outcome was my inconvenience. They were tired of hearing my bitterness on the matter at hand because I wasn't serious about changing it. I was passive and the culprit of my own complaints. That was the day I started to reconstruct this room...
This room is powerful because it influences the environment of this homes foundation. The character of this room is over-saturated with uncompromising freedom, confidence, independence, and creativity. It possesses a boldness that unintentionally rocks the foundation of people that come in contact with it. It finally has enough balance so that not a single element of myself is consumed by the other. Yet...with all that being said...insecurity still knocks on that door...and sometimes I answer...and when I do...
It comes through like a whirlwind that I struggle to tackle. If I don't get a hold on it quick enough it effects everything. Just like in basement...the insecurity is the thought that everlasting love and my specific purpose will never come together in this lifetime...and all of the work I've done on my heart and mind to become the best version of my true uncompromising self will be alone with just a purpose fulfilled. There will be no one to compromise for simply because they want more than I can offer and they won't be honest about that for whatever reason.
I’ve been through the trial and error over the years and it’s not that I don’t have hope but I’ve been made aware that the bigger your purpose is, the harder it is to love all of you...or maybe it's the bigger the purpose the harder to find the love that truly understands the ends and outs of your purpose and still chooses to love...or maybe it’s the bigger the purpose the more patient you'll have to be to wait on the love who has a life that fits your specific purpose...
Or maybe I know nothing at all and in this day and time I'm just insecure on the issue but free enough to be honest about it.
So now that I've let you inside of my home where I can't hide anything about myself...Do you still want to stay for a while?