Field Day

“Found out the (wo)man I died for, (s)he wasn’t even concerned”

- Ms. Lauryn Hill

… and when I came out of THE SPIRIT, I noticed that we were sitting in front of a huge field of grass… with a forest of trees far off in the distance. ELOHIM asked me, “will you convey the message titled, ‘The Stifling Emotions of Boys to Men,’ you just wrote IN MY SPIRIT, to my daughters? …And will you do so with patience?” 

I responded, “yes… yet, I’m not sure if they’ll hear me Lord…” 

ELOHIM retorted: “Much like you?? Yet, am I not patient with you?”

Then, The Most High God moved out of the two seater car and said, “Let us walk to the forest my son.”

Still silenced by The Most High God’s response, I got out the car and began to walk with Him. In that very moment, I realized that we were in the wilderness and I felt His presence in a different manner as He began to speak to me.

“Aaron, I made you in the secret place and designed you to be soft, tender, gentle, and empathetic. I made you capable of speaking in women’s language! This is why you’ve told every single woman you’ve dated: ‘you just want to get to know them,’ in response to their pressure and high pursuit of a committed relationship with you, in a few weeks of knowing you. This is a huge flaw that they possess. If they would just speak to me, they would learn swiftly, that verbal commitments out of the mouths of males mean NOTHING! It is only repeated action over an extended period of time that proves a man worthy of their precious heart!”

I was shocked, as I nodded in response… and we proceeded to walk across the wilderness field.

ELOHIM continued: “I made you mental and more emotional intelligent than they are. This is problematic for them because you’re a code that they can’t crack….and when they can’t crack it, you’re understanding and empathetic to their feelings, which makes them like you more! It’s why they say, ‘I’ve never met someone like you before’ …every time…Right?”

I responded, “yes… every single time!“

ELOHIM continued: “Even the three ladies who told you they were celibate, and entrusted you with their celibacy… you respected their celibacy and soon enough they tried to lure you into their physical charade of traps. It says plenty about their so called celibate journey, as they trusted you to keep them in good standing instead of MAGEN-THE LORD!”

In this moment, THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST made me recollect every single memory of exactly what the Most High God spoke of. The virgin who wanted me to take her virginity in 2007, and the two born again virgins and their hypocritical boundary crossing advancements.

ELOHIM continued: “You kept them in good standing according to their celibate standard my son… which is not my standard by the way, YET! you kept them and it wasn’t your job! I’m happy about that!”

I was speechless as we continued to get closer to the forest…

ELOHIM continued: “Let me answer the question you were thinking but didn’t say aloud… Why did I make you this way? I made you monogamous to protect you. Monogamy got you through Howard University! Everybody thought you were crazy for being faithful to one woman from the time you were 19 until 24! I MADE YOU THAT WAY TO KEEP YOU! YOUR BODY BELONGS TO ME!

Let’s talk about SEX Aaron…”

In response to The Most High’s Statement… I let out a sigh of all sighs!!

ELOHIM countered with laughter and said: “Aaron, I made sex! I made it to be enjoyable within MY parameters. Sex within my parameters is a BOND, while sex outside of my parameters is BONDAGE! Even in your transgressions, I’ve protected you. Remember when I kept you in sex bondage with one woman in your youth… it protected you on your very first international tour with Slum Village! Remember the two girls who wanted a me’nage ‘a trios in Estonia…the very first night of tour! You stayed faithful to your lady even when there was no way she could ever find out about it!

Remember the night clerk you saw escorting the two ladies out when you went to get ice? Remember when the night clerk told you that they sleep with men and steal their passport and money! I WAS WITH YOU! I AM MAGEN-THE LORD!” You have stayed away from groupies your entire career because I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU! That long-term relationship in college saved your life and taught you to not be promiscuous! You’ve been selective and closed, because I only let the enemy have certain reign over you. I know you better than you know yourself…you know that right?”

I replied: “I do”

ELOHIM replied, “Not to the extent that I know! Let me show you something about you. Aaron, every woman you’ve dealt with has pressured and manipulated you to have sex with them! Every single one of them have made the first move! Then when you reject their advances and say ‘I just want to get to know you more,’ they don’t respect your request! They respond with tantrums, pouting, crying, insults of your character, they ask if you’re gay, and my favorite one they say to you is: ‘everybody is doing it except you,’ and the list goes on!

Aaron, imagine if you acted this way towards them if they didn’t want to have sex with you!! These are red flags my son. This is what you humans call a double standard right?”

I sighed, and said: “Yes, Abba Father.”

ELOHIM continued: “If it was left up to you, you’d actually take more time to actually get to know them… BUT you always give in to their tropes of manipulation because you don’t want them to feel bad!!!”

Agreeing, I responded, “So you’re going to just read me while we head towards this forest in the distance?”

ELOHIM replied: “It’s important to have revelation and truth in order for you to awaken. You are after hearts and that’s why you lead with your heart and want to get to know their heart before you attach yourself to their body! They want to know your body to entrap your heart! Then manipulate you with their victimhood of so called giving their body to you… WHEN REALITY IS THEY TOOK YOUR BODY FROM YOU… AND YOU GAVE IT TO THEM! All because you don’t want them to feel bad in that moment! You don’t want them to feel rejected right? Then they have a field day with your heart because I made you to have a HUGE HEART! You’re trapped in making sure they don’t feel bad and they know that about you my son! They use your great character, grace, and patience against you my son!

Aaron, the issue is… you should give me your heart FULLY… not partially…

Aaron, where are all the woman you’ve attached yourself to and made a fake family out of? What happened to all the women you loved… when they were disappointed over trivial matters?

How about the one who continuously told everyone around town that you were the love of her life, yet had an excuse for why a true relationship with you couldn’t happen every time you brought it up? Or how about the one who told all her friends you were non-committal, when she had absolutely no time for a committed relationship with you? Or how about the one whose vehicle you drove halfway across the country by yourself… when she was suppose to accompany you…and she bailed last minute because of ‘work,’ which was a lie! Then upon arriving in your city and getting her vehicle, in the one year time she lived there, she hardly ever came to spend time with you because she said ‘she doesn’t really like to drive and 30 minutes is too far to drive… when she was working remotely! Aaron, 30 minutes is too far to drive when you drove her car 18 hours?!?! She said she loved you right??

Or how about the so called ‘God fearing woman’ that you introduced to MY SPIRIT, and gave her the most grace and love, and taught her love on the back end just for her to not return your call when you are in need of some grace? Not even a small percentage of the grace you extended to her was extended back to you! She said she loved you right?

Aaron, where are the women who said they loved you when you need them? Whose words seemed sweet like honey and were music to your ears…

I could keep going my son… but you get my point. None of them are concerned about you! They are concerned about what you could do for them! Their actions show that!

Remember when I told you not to commit to anyone unless they’re the appointed wife I have for you! I said that for a reason. I know you think I’m taking too long… BUT

I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU! THEY ARE PLANS FOR GOOD AND NOT FOR DISASTER! - Jeremiah 29:11

You’ve gone and joined yourself to citizens of that country, and they’ve sent you into their fields to feed swine… And you’ve been so hungry for love that you’ve lost yourself feeding on the sorrow, victimhood, and manipulation of women I never assigned you to! You’ve been lost in their fields!

BUT I CAME TO PICK YOU UP IN THAT TWO SEATER BECAUSE FIELD DAY IS OVER!

And as we walk through this same wilderness field in which you served them over me, I’m witnessing you come back to yourself! I’ve been witnessing you come back to ME!

Luke 15:15-17

Aaron, my prodigal son… I see you and was with you even in your transgressions. I have compassion for you! I love you!! For it is why I came to pick you up on May 10th! I was elated when you got in the car because I’ve been waiting outside for a decade.”

I was speechless as the tears rolled down my face. I stopped dead in my tracks and pondered everything that had taken place thus far. I ruminated on the words imparted on me by ELOHIM. 

I said: “I’m not worthy to be called your son! I have sinned against Heaven, and before thee!”

ELOHIM quickly countered and said: “Your admission of your transgressions grants you access back to me! Come and let me lead you out of this place forever more.”

…and in that moment I tilted my head back and THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST OVER CAME ME as I began to pray a prayer of repentance in HIS SPIRIT!

…and when I came to, I noticed we had cross the entire field as the conversation ended…and I followed ELOHIM into the forest.

The Stifling Emotions of Boys to Men

… I woke up from “The Container” letter I wrote in The SPIRIT… and Yahweh was cruising as the rain hit the windshield. He asked me if I would stick to what I just wrote in THE SPIRIT OF GOD? I told Him, all of this is new to me… will you have patience with me if I falter? He said "I AM the definition of patience and kindness. Aaron, you honor people who aren’t over me! Yet, I AM still the definition of patience and kindness and yes I will be with you if you falter." 

He turned to me and said "write your heart out for men right now. My SPIRIT will guide your words. There’s a lesson in the amount of grace you’ve had for the women you’ve loved as you understand Romans 3:23 quickly. Your grace and forgiveness hasn’t allowed you to fall for the bait of satan as LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS. Yet, when they found that Romans 3:23 lives in you as well…well, they have ghosted and fled from thee. Stare at it wholeheartedly! They aren’t who you thought they were and there’s zero grace for you. Share your heart as many will relate…" 

And I closed my eyes and heard…

THE STIFLING OF BOYS TO MEN…

“There’s nothing wrong with crying… as long as you understand and can express what you’re crying about.”

- Mom

My mother is a Queen! It was at the tender age of eight that she helped me decipher that tears were an indicator of emotions I had to learn to express verbally. I remember being at the Karamu House in Cleveland, Ohio…I honestly don’t recall what took place that cause me to cry, yet I can remember that her care in the moment is something that stays with me. There I stood, trying to fight back the tears (that eventually got the best of me) because I was told by my father (like most fathers) that “I needed to stop all that crying” on several occasions.

I remember her gently asking me to explain what happened? How did what happen make me feel? She gingerly walked me down a hallway of different emotional options until we landed on the one I saw fit to explain the feeling I was feeling. I was disappointed. That’s all I can remember. My feelings were hurt due to disappointment and my tears and emotional build up was an indicator of such. This moment was the introduction to having an understanding on why I emoted and the different feelings that come with that human condition.

She didn’t stifle it! She didn’t say “you’re too old for all this crying!” She didn’t say “you’re a big boy and big boys don’t cry!” She didn’t say any of the nonsense that all of us have heard hurled at young boys, adolescent young males, young adults, and men! She simply took the time to help me understand that there’s nothing wrong with crying and it’s my responsibility to identify the why behind the tears/emotion that I feel.

There is a systemic party that we’ve all been attending for generations that hinders males from becoming the men that all societies need. Young boys need the ability to have the floor to express their hearts and be heard just like young girls have the privilege to do so from a societal stand point. It is literally a privilege to be able to have your heart heard at a young age in order to cultivate your emotional intelligence.

When a young boys emotions are stifled, it is very hard to recover them in manhood. Males are exactly what they are taught! It is the stifling of emotions as well as the coddling of boys, from childhood to many marriages, that stop males from becoming men. I believe the saddest part for many males is it takes a huge loss (a marriage, a lover, a wife and kids) to unlock emotions that were caged at a young age. Emotions that could save them from these heartbreaking circumstances. Males are constantly accosted for their lack of emotional intelligence… and I challenge all of us to expand our thought on why that is, instead of your expectation of what you think they should be or blaming them for not having the prerequisite they’ve been robbed of in childhood.

Lastly, for the men who do possess the ability to eloquently express their emotions, it would truly bless us to have women who listen to support our emotions instead of listening to respond or ridicule because your emotional intelligence is lacking.

I hope you hear my heart on this matter as I come to you in love, and not to condemn.

The Container #1

“A man must possess an atmosphere amongst a woman that she can trust her value with him”

- Mr. Keith Robinson

...And a man must know himself well enough to be able to examine if her value brings value to his life. My lack of self-worth in my past lent me to making extended time in this atmosphere I created, for women who don't possess the ability to love me the way that God intended for me to be loved, according to His purpose for my life. My allowance of letting them remain in my atmosphere for an over extended period of time, hurt me and them because honesty was missing. Honesty in this type of situation looks like...we know we're not a match yet we don't want to be alone... and we’re comfy and it's damaging to all parties.

The real damage is done when I question myself or change myself from who I was made to be to fit with a woman. The truth is the hurt led me to no longer wanting to create the atmospheric container that God has gifted me in crafting oh so well, because I’ve been hurt by my past decision making. I’ve learned that it was never about the atmospheric container I created. It was about my lack of discernment on who I was letting in the container. Many will be attracted to your atmosphere but only a rare find should remain in the container you create.

A huge lesson learned and praying that the lesson remains with me in Yeshua's Holy name!

Sincerely,

Ab of the ❤️

The Long Car Ride Home with God...

It’s been 6 years since I’ve done some public speaking. I remember telling my late great friend Shelley Barnes …that God doesn’t play about me! No matter how far I get away from the Kingdom, HE pulls up on me when I get too far outside of HIS parameters and invites me to get in the car. I named these occurrences “The Long Car Ride Home” … and HE pulled up on me last month and I got in the 2 seater and his first question was…

“Aaron, where are we? Will you be honest about where you’ve been? Will you invite your friends on our ‘Long Car Ride Home?’” …

I said “Yes!”

He said “Your pain is beauty for ashes for others… so write it down and make it plain.”

I said, “Men don’t speak enough on their experiences. and how scandalous events and encounters happen to them highly often! We shoulder the betrayal because it’s embarrassing and heartbreaking and who wants to be that vulnerable??”

HE SAID… “Aaron, you want to be that vulnerable… cause I made you that way! And EVERYTHING I MAKE IS GOOD!!”

So I welcome all of you to “The Long Car Ride Home with God” … where I will share my experiences and my heart on matters of a mans heart. I hope my pain helps you prosper!

And God turned to me and said “Tell them about ‘The Container’” … and I fell into a deep sleep and stay tuned…

And Nothing Was The Same Again...

December 31, 2016

The sound of the kettle disrupted early morning thoughts of 2017 and what it had in store for me. As I begin to get up from my seat at the kitchen table, my mother entered the kitchen to remove the kettle from the stove and greeted me with a "Good morning Aaron."

There's something about home that’s soothing.  It felt good to be back in Cleveland in the home I grew up in, my grounding place. The last time I was home was February 14th and somehow 2016 with all its personal trials, triumphs, and tribulations would be coming to an end at midnight. She asked me "Would you like a cup tea?" 

I politely declined with a "No, thank you." This led her to turn around, tea bag in hand and as soon as we made eye contact she said, “So tell me what's going on with you?"

At that very moment I realized she wasn't here last time I was home and we were overdue for a kitchen counter conversation. See…I like to hold things very close to my chest and make sure I'm aware of what I'm dealing with before sharing. I knew I was ready to talk and it had been so long since I had a face to face convo with someone I could trust. A conversation where I knew body language, facial expressions, and eyes couldn’t lie.  

"So tell me what's going on with you?" is such a loaded question! In my mind I thought...everything is going on with me. I have a show tonight at midnight and my band is in the other room. I have to host them and make sure they're good. I'm beyond exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I don't want to sing tonight, but I have to find a way to get through it. I've had an incredible October, November, and December of 2016 and I feel ashamed that I haven't truly enjoyed the success of an album I put blood sweat and tears into because I've been moving nonstop since December of 2015. The first night on the European tour in December was the first time that I was forced to sit with myself and in that time my entire personal life from the whole year broke the levy of my busyness that kept it at bay and it came flooding into my heart and I couldn't deny the sorrow I felt.

I answer "I've been depressed for the last few months and it took several lonely nights in Europe for me to discover that I've been questioning what love looks like for me and the life I'm living. I've been questioning what the hell I've been doing for the last 15 years when it comes to my love life." 

She looked at me and asked if she could speak freely?

Now If I say yes... I know this means that she's bringing the knives out and the truth may cut deep.  

I said, of course you can speak freely and she began...

I want you to understand something, love and its principles won't ever change. At its core love has been the same since it was introduced to human beings and the only thing that has changed is the different generations of people and the times they lived in. Your father and I raised you with an old school principle of love that you're trying to apply to a new age world. We are an action oriented people. We not big on talk, we're big on results. In everything you do from business, to friendship, to love I know you're a giver. You don't ask for much BUT you're observant and always looking to see what people are going to do.

I'm sure that can be confusing in a generation where to me it looks like people are quick to tell someone they just met what they're looking for in a relationship and it allows that person to play the role until they've convinced them that they’re something that they’re not. So you can look back at the last 15 years of your love life and ask what the hell have you been doing, but when you do make sure you put it in this perspective.

Marriage is about doing life with someone. It's not about a wedding, engagement photos, what kind of ring he bought you, how big the house is, and all the material things people decide to share with the public. It's about how you collectively deal with winning and losing together. How you deal with disagreements, disappointment, misunderstandings, flexibility, sharing, giving, celebrating each other, letting go of the petty things, forgiveness, unexpected losses and gains, death, careers, dreams, goals, setbacks, and so many other things that you will deal with over and over again. The joy is doing it with someone you love being around for all the right reasons!

Please know that the wedding, engagement photos, ring, house and all these things are nice and I'm not saying that you shouldn't have them, what I am saying is, the wedding is the starting line to doing life with someone!  Before you get to the starting line, it's important to discover someone’s true inner-self, character, and spirit. Know that they've willingly shown you what they possess will enhance the life that you're living. At the same time, you have to willingly show them that what you possess will enhance the life that they're living as well!  Both parties have to know that they're better doing life together than they'll ever be doing life apart. It's a two way street, not a one way!   

You're name means "Enlightened One" and your calling is big. What you do for a living isn't average and I don't understand it all the time, but I know God is doing something big with you. He's going to provide for you. I believe He's going to bring whomever He has for you to your attention in His perfect time and she's going to be a blessing to you and the life you lead. She’ll willingly give to you, but you have to be prepared. Please be able to recognize who wants to do life with you and who doesn't want to do life with you. We all get the sneak preview and what you see on this side is what you get on the other side. You have no control over how people choose to treat you but you have the ability to observe and accept that for whatever reason, this is what they're willing to give you.  

I looked at her, smiled, and slowly nodded my head.

Then she got up and asked if I wanted her to make pancakes, bacon, and eggs for the band...

---

January 31, 2017

And nothing was the same again after that conversation...

A new outlook was formed inside of me. I remember laying in my bed at home in Cleveland early on Jan. 1, 2017...and saying aloud, "this year I'm starting my journey to be everything that I'm looking for in someone I want to do life with." It's not about the past or anyone else. It's about me and it's always been about me. There are so many things that come with that goal, but I'm up for the challenge. 

This morning I peeled myself out the bed at 5:30 A.M. to go to the gym because one of the many things on my journey is to get my body in shape. It's something about the quietness and stillness of the early morning that I appreciate. My thoughts are clear and concise. This morning in the car I realized that for the last 31 days, this journey has been about pursuing me. The motive can still be to be everything I'm looking for in someone I want to do life with but at the center of it all, I understand that I'm on an everlasting journey to become the man that God wants me to be in mind, heart, spirit, and body and that journey will never end whether I'm married or not.  

If this month has taught me anything, it's that you have to be willing to go the extra mile for yourself before you're able to go the extra mile for anyone else. You have to be determined to love yourself through discipline and practice. You have to willing show up for yourself every day. You have to be willing to live and not let anyone including yourself, pass guilt, shame, uncertainty, or pain get in your way of pursuing your best self. 

These last 31 days have challenged me in my day to day and I've analyzed how I've dealt with setbacks, disappointment, disagreements, pettiness, joy, and pain because all of my reactions to what life throws at me speaks to my character. I'm sure the next 28 days will be challenging as well but every challenge will be an opportunity to be more loving, understanding, open, peaceful, gentle, practice self-control, and be good to myself and others. These are the things that I want to be faithful to. 

The pursuit of our best lives start within us. Whatever motivation you need to start on that journey, I pray you find it and it's so clear that nothing will be the same again in your life as well. 

Sincerely,

Aaron Abernathy

SON OF LARRY

Dear Dad,

I went looking for a birthday card for you last week and all of them sucked! Since I couldn't find anything fitting...I decided to write you this long overdue letter.

I used to think that we were so different from each other. I struggled with that for a while but never said anything about it. I always felt you and Anthony had this incredible bond over basketball...and when I traded in my basketball skills for the piano and singing, I thought you and I lost a step. 

See...you mastered the sport of basketball so much so that I can't go anywhere in the city of Cleveland with our last name without someone referencing you. I remember a few years ago I was on 131st at Bennet's Barbershop...Barry had a patron in his chair and he pointed at me and said to the middle aged man... "you know that's Larry Ab's son!" Upon hearing it, this mans eyes filled with so much excitement as he said to me: "You Larry Ab's son?? Boy...let me tell you about your father! He's a legend! You see that school across the street...well it used to be a playground...and I would come to that playground and watch your daddy twist a nigga into the earth you hear me! Your father was a cold man on the B-ball court...as a matter of fact! Your father invented the crossover! He would shoot the lights out of any gym he walked in! He's a legend! Never forget that!" And I never forgot that nor will I ever forget that you are a legend!

I've heard so many stories from people about your glory days of playing basketball in the city that I can't count them...but you're a legend to me for so many different reasons. Over the last four years I've done so much soul searching with God and He's made things so much clearer for me in regards to you. When I traded in my basketball skills for the piano and singing...I traded them in for your second love. We never lost a step at all...you actually created the steps that I've taken. I remember singing that Duke of Earl solo at the 7th grade choral concert and afterwards people asking you and mom who was the musician in the family that I took after...and both of you saying "we don't have one...we're not sure where his talent comes from." The truth is it comes from you! 

There wasn't a moment in the 18 years of my life in your home that the record player wasn't spinning a soul, funk, r&b, gospel, or jazz record. If you were up and moving about, there was music playing! Music lives in me because of you and all those records you play. To this day...you can't move without the record player spinning. Everyday I wake up and do the same thing you do...put a record on and start my day.

You've always talked about the messages in records. When it came to me dealing with black people talking about how dark my skin was you referenced Curtis Mayfield's "We The People Who Are Darker Than Blue." When it came to loving myself you referenced Earth, Wind, and Fire's "All About Love." I remember you sitting me down and making me listen to Maurice White say "I'm like hey ya'll...I'm tryna' tell ya...You gotta love you...now there's all the beautiful things around you...trees and birds and If their ain't no beauty you got to make some beauty...have mercy listen to me ya'll."  

You always had a song and a lyric for something I was going through and those bonding moments were so important to my development into the man you have made me. You introduced me to my purpose in music...cause you used music to heal a lot of my concerns over the years and I want to do the same for people through my music. 

What makes you so amazing to me is you're a man after God's heart...much like David. I've never seen a man on his knees in prayer so much. I can't count the amount of times I've seen you on your knees praying. You always pray before making any move. You're so in tuned with God and you let Him lead you in leading this family. You've always led by example and have been there for me every step of the way. There are so many things that you've done for me that changed me and grew me into a better person.  You might not remember them but I want to share a few with you...

1.) Senior year of high school when I had that Tri-C Jazz tryout/competition and I was training with JT Lynch and was discouraged about practicing, you gave me this John Coltrane Impulse album and this Oscar Peterson album and told me I could be like them if I stayed focused. I listened to those albums nonstop and it was everything I needed in that moment to push forward and not quit music all together. 

2.) In college when my girlfriend was getting her appendix taken out on the same day as my midterm in a class I wasn't doing well in...I called you because I was at the hospital late and didn't want to leave her but knew I had to take this midterm the next day. I remember telling you that I thought the professor wouldn't believe me if I missed it. You were so calm and walked me through exactly what to do to make my girlfriend feel safe. You told me how to talk to the professor about what was going on and how not leaving my girlfriend alone was the most important thing to do. The professor understood and allowed me to make up the midterm. You've always known what to do!

3.) You always treated mom like royalty! You taught me and Anthony to always be gentlemen and to treat a woman like a woman. To never disrespect them or call them out of their name. When we were younger you would make us grab the door for mom and Anise. You made sure we knew that we were to protect all women. It wasn't your words that stuck...it was your action! You walked what you talked about. You lead by example on what it is to be a God fearing man, loving husband, and loving father. To this day...you're ALWAYS looking out for mom and all of us with God leading you. I aspire to be the husband and father that you are to a woman and my children one day.       

4.) In 2008 when I told you I was moving to LA... Even though you didn't think it was a good idea you supported me. You got in my Chevy Trailblazer with me and drove across the country with me on a three day journey to Los Angeles. After 13 months...when I ran out of money...you flew back to Los Angeles and drove back across the country with me and encouraged me to keep following my music dreams...even when I felt like I failed...you told me I would've never known about what God had for me in LA if I hadn't tried it...and now I know. That meant everything to me at that moment! 

5.) When I told you I was about to get married and I had to find a way to raise enough money to get a ring...you talked to me about it late at night while working the graveyard shift and even offered to help me. You were so cool about it too. You helped me come up with a plan for transitioning into marriage financially while pursuing my dream. You gave me different ideas for living situations and was there to help me figure out how to make someone else a part of my life. When it blew up in my face and the relationship collapsed...you were right there for me telling me everything will be fine in time. I felt foolish again and you were there picking me up and helping me move forward no matter how long it took. When I think of it...every time after this incident when I spoke to you about who I was dating and how I thought this might be the one for me...you encouraged me to give it my best and if it doesn't work out...those women will never be able to say that I didn't give it my all. You taught me it was my job to leave a lasting good impression and to be a gentleman towards them no matter how they treat me. Even though all of those situations blew up in my face you've always been there to encourage me and tell me that people can change when God is involved and God has someone special for me in His time. 

6.) On Valentine's Day of this year you helped me by working the door at my show in Cleveland. It was just me and you that night because Mom was out of town and it was just a special moment for me. You told me afterwards that I was a true musician and I've arrived and that moment was bigger than any accolade I can ever receive as a musician. Your approval is all that mattered to me...and writing this makes me realize that I had it all along. 

7.) I asked you to be a part of my upcoming solo album and you did all your parts in one take because you say everything from the heart and it just flows. It an honor to work with you on the craft you introduced me to!

Dad...your love is so strong for me and it's rubbed off on me. Maybe that's why I love so strong. You always do right by people and you're honest. You possess this spiritual courageous love that inspires everyone around you. You're a giver and you put everyone before yourself. You have a huge heart for people and you love to make everyone feel great around you. You speak to everyone and respect everyone. You correct people who are wrong in a gracious way so that they don't feel bad. You taught me to be open, honest, patient, and wait on God in all situations. You taught me how to love a woman and treat her with dignity in respect through your love for mom. You're God's man and it's an honor to be your son.

I love you more than words can express and I can't thank you enough for teaching me and molding me into the man I am. I'm forever in debt for what you've instilled in me. 

Happy 65th Birthday! It's an honor to celebrate you! You're a legend and a hero in my eyes forever!

Your son,

Aaron

THE DEPROGRAMMING OF AARON ABERNATHY PT. 2 | SELF WORTH

I woke up around 7AM and before I could press the reset button and start over...

I sat at the end of my bed and said aloud:

“Damn! All those dark skin jokes got the best of me...they won…and here I am.”

Seriously...What the hell is wrong with being a barer of dark skin in America?

I promise we’ve been called ugly from our existence by our peers and strangers. The words “handsome, beautiful, pretty, and fine” aren’t sewn into the fabric of our being at a young age unless it’s coming from a family member...but they don’t count cause they have to say it to you…at least that’s how I felt as a child. 

Look at me sitting here with my 10 year old self…

Fifth grade was rough on you…that’s where you learned you were a member of the “you’re so black you’re blue” crew (then everybody laughed). I didn’t get the joke at first but my own black people would remind me from 1993 and beyond! It’s the joke that will never rest in peace. A joke that didn't make me feel handsome or attractive...a joke that made me feel unworthy. I remember I used to tell my dad about it and he would say you're as black as me and there will never be anything wrong with that! Black is beautiful and it's important that you know that! He would play this real dope record by Curtis Mayfield off the "Curtis" album title "We The People Who Are Darker Than Blue" that I would listen to when I felt down about my complexion. 

In 1993 at Woodbury Elementary school...I bared witness to the inaugural dig of the foundation of my lack of self-worth. It didn't help that I was husky as well. There were these two girls that use to have an arsenal of jokes to take me out from the time I got to the bus stop...to the bus ride to school...to the bus ride home after school. Me and my man Melvin use to get tore down on a daily by Ebony and Shameeka and I had ZERO jokes to defend there toxic slander of my appearance...I just had two fist that I loved to put into action but that wasn't the answer for girls. I use to wonder how they came up with these clever things to say about me that had everyone dying in laughter?? I was an easy target for the popular guys who came after me with jokes and I wanted to fight them too but my mama wasn't playing about school and if I got kicked out for fighting over words I knew I would be in trouble. I wasn't trying to face that...but those damn words were like a million knives cutting me everyday and I had to deal with it from 1993 - 2001.  

If I showed you all the scars would you run?

What started out as just a plot of land in 1993 was now a skyscraper in 2011...a skyscraper that I had to tear down and replace as soon as possible. At 29 years of age I was hurt, lost, and wearing a mask that everything was fine in my life but I was so empty. Living in that skyscraper was so dangerous because I was willing to deal and put up with almost anything in dating just as long as they would stay...even if it wasn't right and destructive...If they stuck around it was good enough for me because my worth was built on knowing someone wanted me. Knowing that they saw my scars and dealt with them...but I couldn't see that my insecurities were being used against me creating more scars.     

I sat there for an hour thinking about all the things I had to do to tear this skyscraper down and be something different than what I was. The time had come and I thought to myself...

If I show myself my scars would I run? ....I chose to answer with "No"

Shall we begin? ....I chose to answer with "Yes"

How is it that I can treat everyone so damn good and not treat myself with the same type of care? I've heard and seen so many peoples insecurities and made them feel safe and comfortable in my presence. I'm the holder of deep dark secrets, the shoulder to many tears of pain, the comforter of peoples most vulnerable moments...

Yet I can't look in the mirror at the darkness in my face or the millions of cuts on my bleeding heart that long to love others...and see the worthiness in loving my reflection. It was sad and pathetic and in that moment I hated it but it was everything I needed. It was time to say goodbye to who I was and evacuate the skyscraper. This was the my last goodbye...no more feeling sorry for what happen in the past...it was a choice and a change of mind because I didn't want to feel the way I had been feeling since 1993 anymore. No more mask wearing...no more representatives....just a new outlook...a real reset!

The first statement I made was"

"I'm responsible for dealing with my insecurities! No one else is...I AM!"

This statement was so important because I couldn't continue to let what happen in my past have an affect on my current and future relationships with people. It's unfair to them to place my insecurities on their shoulders to deal with in love and in friendships. I am not here to burden anyone or expect them to coddle me due to my insecurities that I haven't actively dealt with. Whatever it takes...I have to deal with my insecurities because that alone is the key to my self-worth.

Another part of me wanted to be accepted by people and I would do numerous things I didn't like doing to be accepted and that problematic. I came across a really great quote by one of my music heroes: 

"Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me" -Quincy Jones

This quote was a life changer! I began to think about all the things that made me feel whole as I realized that those things would help me build my self-worth. So I made this list of everything I needed to do:

1. Make a list of all the things you love and try to do two of them twice a week

2. Don't make time for things you don't like doing

3. Travel to see your friends since they don't live in your state because they make you feel loved!

4. Travel out the country because the world is much bigger than your corner and great new experiences replace bad old ones.

5. Work out and get your body to a place that you like it to help build your confidence.

6. Black is beautiful...Clearly women love Idris Elba and you're as dark as him. 

7. Make others acknowledge your craft (family and friends must acknowledge music as a job and not a hobby)

8. Take yourself and this list seriously and let's see if others follow suit. 

9. Make Quincy Jones' quote a reality by next year!

Making the list was the easy part...It's the application part that separates actual change in self-worth from cheap talk!

Sincerely,

Aaron Abernathy 

The Deprogramming of Aaron Abernathy pt. 1 | Self Truth

I called her to catch up...

I'm lying...

I definitely called her to vent...

I felt I deserved to vent because 2011 was a rough year and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse November showed up just to challenge the small amount of sanity I had left. 

She picked up on the third ring shouting "Abernathy! How are you??? I miss you!!" My unenthusiastic "I miss you too," warranted her to ask what's wrong? I began to tell her about some of the issues I was having with people in my life from friends to lovers to family and before I could really dive in she stopped me and said:

"Ab, I don't want to hear any of this because I know where it's going and this is your fault. We talked about this when you lived here in 2008. You're too kind...you let people run over you and then you complain about it in the aftermath but you continuously let this happen. Everyone gets what they want from you because they know you're the nice guy and you won't say no...and on the rare occasions that you say no, they make you feel bad about it and guilt trip you into doing what they want you to do putting you at an inconvenience. You not changing this about yourself actually means you're okay with it so I can't sit here and listen to you complain about it."

I was shocked! I knew she was right but it caught me off guard. I was silent and she said you have to stand up for yourself and it's going to be challenging but you do it all the time in your music career...do it in your personal life. I told her she was right and shortly after we hung up. 

I was really upset after the phone call and it wasn't because of what she said about me... it was the fact that it was true. I was so hung up on not disappointing people and this mindset put me in bad positions very often. The crazy thing is people knew this about me and they would use it against me to get what they needed from me. I wanted to be liked by everyone and I was willing to bend over backwards at my detriment to achieve that goal. My subconscious motto was "as long as they're good then I'm good," and that was the problem...I wasn't good...I believed the lie I was telling myself.

What she told me on the phone turned on a switch in me that made me dig so deep that for the last three years I've been actively deprogramming everything I've been taught to think that doesn't benefit my life. 

The first thing I established was that "I was full of crap" and I wanted to change that about myself. I started by vowing to never lie to myself again. Self-Truth was what I needed so I started writing the following in a Microsoft word document:

Aaron,

You have low self esteem and being overly kind to everyone has been your way of fitting in and gaining likeability. Although you're naturally a kind person, you overcompensate in this area because you don't see yourself as an attractive person. You still see that fat kid that no one was attracted to High School...you're about to turn 29 and you're still stuck in High School.  

When It comes to family you have to do everything they say because they've done so much for you when it comes to this crazy career of a musician you chose versus taking that job out of college that they told you to take. You could be doing so much better with your life like your siblings instead of barely making it while chasing this dream...You're grown and can barely take care of yourself...you're an embarrassment. 

When It comes to your friends that you're real close with...none of them live here in Washington D.C., so you're alone most of the time. 

When it comes to love...I don't what the hell you're doing. You're a fixer and record shows that isn't working in your favor. You continuously wait for women you love to get around to treating you right. You tried to get married but that blew up in your face. I'm starting to believe you like being played to the left and using the fact that you understand what they've been through as an excuse for you to be treated badly. You feel sorry for yourself but you shouldn't because you chose this. 

When it comes to your career...you're afraid that you'll never make it since you just got dropped from you're label deal and you're looking for jobs outside of music not only to keep the lights on but because you think it's time to grow up and let go of this silly dream.   

This was my self-truth...

I hated the way I felt when I read it back for the first time but...

The greatest thing about that day was I was no longer full of crap. The truth about me was put on display by me and this status report gave me a weird sense of freedom...

The following morning I decided to take that freedom and mentally press the reset button on how I felt about myself and start all over.

Sincerely,

Aaron Abernathy

Message To My Unknown Love part II

I hear your spirit calling me early in the morning and I often question if you were here before I open my eyes. As I pull my head from under the covers...I'm greeted by the aroma of candles that watched over me as I fell asleep before blowing them out. I wish I was greeted by the smell of you...what do you smell like? Are your mornings as cold as mines? Are you tired of waking up alone? Often I wonder when all of this will come to an end...I look forward to the end of this era but I'm not in a rush...does that make sense to you? 

I deciding to write you this morning because I want to share something with you that has been heavy on my heart. It's about the amount of discord in the love relationships of our day. Is it scary to you that selfishness lives at the core of many hearts and it shows through their daily actions? I've watched the majority of our peers fall in love with idea of getting married but don't want to do the work to maintain a happy marriage. They're not into doing the consistent individual daily work to be their best mentally, emotionally, and physically for themselves let alone someone else. They're not into figuring out the level of responsibility and emotional intelligence their mate must possess in order to care for their fragile heart. They're not into seeing if their lifestyles compliment each other for the better. They're not into their words aligning with their actions. They're not into listening pass their own needs. They're not into being honest with themselves. They're not into having a vision or patience...

They're into what their friends think and have, what their family thinks about them, the way things look to others, the marriage ceremony, the pictures, having babies before they get too old, and most importantly...

They're into their ego!

They don't know that ego and happily ever after are enemies! Happily ever after requires honest hard relentless daily work, self love, giving selfless love to your mate, and bending for them even when it's inconvenient for you. Happily ever after requires forgiveness and an honest soul...and who forgives or tells the truth anymore? Seriously?

They hide their truths so deep inside themselves and cover it with so many lies that the lies become their truth. The lies create this facade that they've been selling to the world for so long that when someone who truly loves them awakens the truth that lives deep inside...the truth revealer becomes their enemy. The truth sets you free but few want to be free at the cost of pain? On the contrary....Who has time to chip away at the facade? Thomas Yates on season three of House of Cards said it best:

"It's tiresome swinging the sledgehammer at the facade just to get a glimpse of the cracks." 

What are we doing in our love relationships in 2015?

We're doing exactly what James Redfield wrote over 20 years ago in The Celestine Prophecy: 

"Being overly demanding and expecting each other to live in his or her world, to always be there to join in his or her chosen activities." 

And when you're unable to do so...a small fire of resentment will begin to burn continuously and you'll know nothing about it until the silence gets so loud that HELL spills out of both of your mouths and the words that are said can't be taken back...

Then they'll question how they got here...

We're setting each other up with unrealistic expectations of each other and our denial and defensiveness of this "set up" is what has led a number of our friends to unhappily ever after and divorce. There has to be a change... 

With all that being said...I still truly believe that there's a distinctive group of singles that are fighting for happily ever after right now. They know that it starts with them and they're cleaning out their hearts and making room for a genuine partnership with someone they know is worthy of co-existing and complimenting their soul for the better. Someone they'll honor and won't let their ego taint their view of them in the face of correction cause they know that love corrects and although most people don't like being corrected...they understand man and woman must correct each other out of love to strengthen and sharpen the love. In correction there's no time for defensiveness and grudges...there's only time for apology, reconciliation, forgiveness, and growth.   

This distinctive group has a willingness to grow when challenged because they are honest enough with themselves to know that love forces you to grow together or apart. I see myself growing apart from people daily...and that's okay...because I'm growing closer to you.

Sincerely,

Aaron 

To Kill An Elephant

Dear Professor,

It’s been fifteen years since I left your school and to put it plain and simple… I miss seeing you everyday and learning the lessons that you taught in the classroom and field. Your courses were so involved, challenging, and intriguing! I know we’ve spoke consistently since I left but I never told you how much being your pupil has had an impact my life. You always make time for me when I have a question about our profession and for that I’m truly grateful.

I’m writing you today because my heart is too heavy for a phone conversation. It was very important to me that I would not be interrupted as I get all of these thoughts and concerns out. It’s equally important to me that you sit with this for a week or so before responding. 

I could be absolutely wrong about this…I hope I’m wrong about this…but after fifteen years of experience in the field, I’m no longer certain that the curriculum you taught me is applicable in this new world. I want you to think about all of the conversations we’ve had over the last decade…most of them were based on the conflict that arrives when I apply the principles you taught me. Interesting enough what I’ve learned from you is a beautiful gift coupled with a curse.

The GIFT is your installment of confidence in me that helped me discover myself and become unapologetic about who I’ve become. You challenge me whenever you see an unhealthy characteristic attempting to leech onto my personality. You said if I’m not self- aware then I’ll not only put lovers in danger but I’m endangering myself. If I’m not growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically then I’m in regression.  It’s my responsibility to grow in these areas daily! I’m accountable for my mind and thoughts…I’m accountable for my heart and any heart I capture. Having this mentality is the reason I’m often labeled as “different.” I’m no longer sure if “different” is a good thing. I’m often received well and “stand out” based on the words and actions you taught me…which I thought was the standard until I left your school...it’s not…and that in itself is the CURSE…

You taught me that honesty is the best policy in this profession but I’ve learned first hand that it comes with many consequences. When the truth cuts like a knife and you’re holding the knife…you’re the assaulter and they’re the victims. I’ve been on trial often over the last fifteen years because of my truthful assaults and in this world full of lies that people buy into because the truth is too much for them to bare…I’ll always be guilty. I remember you telling me it takes time for people to step into the truth and bare the pain to grow. In our profession we have to have patience but I’m seeing a pattern now. You’re absolutely right…they do come around…

They come around for someone else after realizing that we really did love them and our actions were genuine. Challenging them to grow and be better wasn’t an attack…it was the realest form of love we could ever offer them. They have this revelation a little after we bow out because we can no longer afford the high fees our hearts pay in having patience. It’s amazing how we love and invest so much of ourselves and someone else receives our return on investment. Is that part of our profession?  

Let’s shift gears…

One of my favorite classes under your leadership was “The Dangerous Elephant In The Room” course. It was you who said:

“The elephant is a very kind animal but very dangerous when it eyes a stranger after it’s child…and you are the child of your elephant! It’s your job to kill the elephant in your room before it kills whomever you choose to bring into your life! Both beings can’t occupy the same place at the same time without major conflict. The closer you get to someone else…the more envious the elephant will become and it will continuously attack and try to kill both of you!”

You taught me to kill my elephants in their infant stages because it’s harder to put them down once they grow and become a part of you. You'll make excuses for the elephant every year it grows with you. You taught me to take this principle seriously and apply it because it would be pivotal in my leadership role in love. Well what if I told you that my leadership isn’t welcomed. What If I told you I have consistently been invited into rooms with fully developed elephants and the owners of these rooms are so comfortable living with their elephants that they don't want to get rid of them. What if I told you that elephants are occupying rooms at alarming rates and I can’t lead because I spend so much time explaining that the elephant in the room isn’t healthy and is causing dysfunction in their personal life that leads to dysfunction in our love life? What if I told you that the mature man and woman seeking to grow in love through honesty and a realistic outlook on life together is an endangered species?  

You taught me to be a man…

You said that in the profession of manhood you have to be the right person to find the right person. You said it's the same for womanhood. I never thought that we would be out numbered by people obsessed with the fantasy of love and not the work and responsibility required to achieve and maintain a real type of love that was more prominent in the past. I never knew I would consistently have to deal with the wounds caused by relationships that weren’t love at all. A majority of these poor relationships birth the elephants that cause the dysfunctional love many are accustom to today. I never knew I would be at the war against other people’s elephants!   

And now in this very moment…I realize that this entire letter has led me to ask you this question…

Dad,

How do I go about killing someone else’s elephant before it kills me?

Sincerely,

Aaron

The Insecure Man

As I approached my front door, I fumble through my keys as I question is this the right time...

Anxiousness rises as I've located the key...and now the possibility of my outwardness shifting to inwardness is a reality...

I open the door, step inside, and disarm the beeping alarm. You don't have to take your shoes off...as a matter of fact...keep your shoes on cause the floors aren't clean. I can't remember the last time I've swept them because it's just been me here. I guess I should show you around... 

Let's start in the foundation of this place...the basement. I've spent the last three to four years getting it together. I had to put in new floors and reconstruct this place because it wasn't in the best condition. It used to be filled with uncertainty, social norms, social pressures, self-doubt, jealousy, and tremendous fear amongst other things that consumed the beauty that it should possess. It was in desperate need of reformation and it took major time and dedication to establish a new and fitting foundation that suited me well. I'm satisfied with the outcome! 

Now, as you can see...my purpose overwhelms this room. Music is everywhere and it consumes me. Whenever I'm doing music I'm sharing the best version of myself with the world. It's a vehicle that drives me to places that I didn't know existed in me. It's my highest level of expression because it's the God given gift that is my purpose. It's a bright light that attracts attention...attention to my introversion that wants privacy. It's often interesting to deal with. It's often misconstrued as well. It's powerful but it's not my power...

I see you notice that love is equally present here. Interesting enough I'm a product of this beautiful marriage but don't know if I'll ever have one. Not because I don't want one or I don't think I would be a great husband...more because of my purpose. How could something I love so much keep me from the love I long for? I have so much love to give...I have so little time to give it...and who wants that? 

Do you want that? 

Don't answer that...

not yet...

I haven't figured it out...

I obsess over it sometimes. I might be alone when it's all said and done and I've come to grips with that...I think I've said too much...let's get outta here. 

Here's my kitchen...

It's become one of my favorite places over the last two years. I've really been paying attention to what I feed myself. I was in need of a serious detox to reset my system that was carrying the weight of other peoples issues. Sometimes I can simply care too much for the feelings of others and disregard myself. It's very dangerous...similar to an addiction...the addiction to please and care for others feelings...and when you go cold turkey to recover you feel guilty about it. It's been worth it to recover though. Often in that state I found myself being fed so much negativity and backlash from issues people were going through that had nothing to do with my life. Their negativity and self wallowing had a major effect on me daily so I had to choose to feed myself differently. I know I can't deal with pessimism of any kind. Sarcasm is another thing I have to avoid. I use to think that sarcasm was okay until I heard an elder say sarcasm is the least genuine mode of communication used by the insecure, passive aggressive, and angry attempting to make you their footstool to make them feel better. His statement troubled me but what opened my mind was his questioning of who really wins when sarcasm enters the conversation? Is it designed to love or tear down? That's when I understood he was right. I make it a point to over indulge in optimism and love and feast with people who do the same. Are you hungry for that?

Last but not least lets go to my personal room on the top floor. It's still under construction but very close to completion. Often it's the most difficult room to sit in because it's changed the most over the years. It's becoming something that I never imagined...something that I was afraid to embrace a few years ago. At completion it will simply be a room that stands alone! Every time I've rearranged it, I've questioned is this what's best for my lifestyle? I'd convince myself that it was and subconsciously minimize myself. I found that a numerous amount of my arrangements were influenced by something or someone who had an agenda for my life that didn't fit what I needed. I used to think that I should work hard to please and support everyone around me and I did that for years. I was the man who would bend over backwards to be at everyones event, party, meeting, start-up, ect. and rearranged my schedule by putting off what I was called to do at my core for someone else just to vigorously work on the back end to satisfy my personal needs and that process continuously fell short. I found myself complaining a lot about it until a friend brought it to my attention that my complaints were my fault. I chose to put others before myself and the outcome was my inconvenience. They were tired of hearing my bitterness on the matter at hand because I wasn't serious about changing it. I was passive and the culprit of my own complaints. That was the day I started to reconstruct this room... 

This room is powerful because it influences the environment of this homes foundation. The character of this room is over-saturated with uncompromising  freedom, confidence, independence, and creativity. It possesses a boldness that unintentionally rocks the foundation of people that come in contact with it. It finally has enough balance so that not a single element of myself is consumed by the other. Yet...with all that being said...insecurity still knocks on that door...and sometimes I answer...and when I do...

It comes through like a whirlwind that I struggle to tackle. If I don't get a hold on it quick enough it effects everything. Just like in basement...the insecurity is the thought that everlasting love and my specific purpose will never come together in this lifetime...and all of the work I've done on my heart and mind to become the best version of my true uncompromising self will be alone with just a purpose fulfilled. There will be no one to compromise for simply because they want more than I can offer and they won't be honest about that for whatever reason.

I’ve been through the trial and error over the years and it’s not that I don’t have hope but I’ve been made aware that the bigger your purpose is, the harder it is to love all of you...or maybe it's the bigger the purpose the harder to find the love that truly understands the ends and outs of your purpose and still chooses to love...or maybe it’s the bigger the purpose the more patient you'll have to be to wait on the love who has a life that fits your specific purpose...

Or maybe I know nothing at all and in this day and time I'm just insecure on the issue but free enough to be honest about it.

So now that I've let you inside of my home where I can't hide anything about myself...Do you still want to stay for a while? 

The Sanctuary of Friendship

I love her...

I love her because there's never been a hidden agenda, drama, mind reading, or pretending. There's been no attempts to impress me with a false representation of who she is because she knows that's pointless...yet she always seems to impress me by simply being herself and continuously striving and growing to be a better woman everyday. Genuine, kind, caring, and often concerned about others is how I would describe her inner workings. There's this quiet confidence that she possesses that can't be taken away from her. She has nothing to prove to anyone and knows she has nothing but time to dispel the ongoing war inside her mind of whether she's good enough to carry out the purpose she's been ordained to complete. She continuously finds freedom in herself daily by seeking out what she needs to thrive and has no shame in dwelling in these places...and when she feels chained down she'll seek me out to gain some perspective. She's not afraid to be weak in front of me because she sees me as an extension of her own being an existence...someone to help her back on the right path when she feels lost in this world. She refuses to settle for the ugliness that dwells in her being...she's a flaw fighter and will admit what she needs to improve on and actively seeks to improve it over time. She's a listener...the words she receives from me lay dormant in her heart...resurfacing in a time of need. 

She is the safe haven for my secrets and insecurities...my anger and vulnerability...she knows all the things about me that I'm terrified about people knowing. The things I'm ashamed of about myself she holds in her heart and chooses to never use them against me. Overtime she's seen me at my best and my worst and still accepts and loves me for who I am. She's a fan of mine and truly wants nothing but God's best for me and it shows. She doesn't allow me to stay in my worse state by being honest with me about my flaws and pushing me to grow in areas where I'm weak. I can dive deeper into who I am with her because she chooses to protect me emotionally and guide me in ways that only a woman can. 

My heart is safe with her...

I trust her with all of me...

And she does the same...

This place where all of our emotions live is in our "Sanctuary of Friendship." The sanctuary's foundation is based on the steady flow of consistency and follow through that we've created amongst each other over time. Everything that fills the sanctuary is what creates this incredible love we have for each other. 

Interesting enough...I learned so much about loving a woman through loving her and our relationship is not romantic at all!

It is simply a guide to how I should lay the foundation to my romantic dealings...

Romance should be nothing but the cherry on top to this everlasting search to grow together as friends...but often we do the exact opposite and try to grow in romance without friendship and it doesn't last. The romantic based relationship we often engage in consist of unknown expectations and representatives that aren't our true selves that create unnecessary drama. People go above and beyond to give us this preview of the best them and often try to change you to fit into their agenda for what a relationship looks like to them. After the newness of love goes away you look up and ask yourself how did I "fall in love" with a stranger?  

True and raw love lives in friendship...It lives in the sanctuary you and someone else choose to create over time...and it's possible if we all just slow down. You've done it before...just think about how patient, forgiving, gentle, caring, and kind you are with your friends. It's a shame we aren't the same way with our lovers...but the reason we aren't is because most of your past lovers were never your friend. It's not about being friends with everyone you date because some people simply won't make it to the sanctuary...but the right one will be completely okay with sifting through your character to see if it compliments what they have to offer to the world. They'll be fully aware that they've been looking for you even if they weren't aware of it until they found you. They'll step into the Sanctuary of Friendship and create a foundation so solid that when romance arrives with all of it's complications...it won't be able to break the concrete foundation that was built in the sanctuary. 

Sincerely,

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy

"It's All In Practice..."

"It’s all in practice" is what I tell myself when it’s all said in done…cause the easiest way out is to say I gave it my all…it just wasn’t meant to be…

And honestly…

That could very well be the case…

Time will be the judge of that...

But…time won’t deliver that verdict for a while…and right now…what about this broken heart?

"It’s all in practice" is what I tell myself now that it’s done…cause the easiest way out when you lose is to say we were so close to winning the game…"We’ll get 'em next season" is what I say…but my heart says something different...

My heart says tell them that you warned them to take extra time out to work on their form...cause pressure will come when the game is on the line...we're a team and we have to be strong for each other...so prepare yourself individually...you never know when a victory for us will solely be decided by your actions...cause the weight of the world will be on your back when you have to sink the final two free throws for us to win...

And I truly wish I could’ve shot them for you…but I can’t cause it’s your shot…and I have to stand next to you and watch...hoping that you take your time and breathe…don’t shoot to quickly…make sure you block everything else out and envision you and me alone…see me…your teammate...your confidant...the one who has been their to comfort you through your transitions on and off the court. On paper we're unstoppable...better than all the other teams I've played for...we're gonna win this one together...well I thought we were...but it's always the off the court issues that hurt the team…that's what always seems to get in the way...and I can't block them out for you...you had to endure the pressure and take your shot...watch your form…and remember to follow through…

But your form was bad...no follow through...no dice…no win…and you say you gave it your all…and I believe you…just one thing…what about this broken heart?

"It’s all in practice" is what I tell myself now that I am forced to sit alone…cause the easiest way out is to tell yourself that experiencing the euphoria of loving them was a waste of time…and I think to myself…was it a waste of time to fall in love with someone who took the exit when things got rough?…better yet circumstance got rough? Was there’s no light at the end of the tunnel or did you stop walking cause you couldn’t see it? It's amazing what darkness does to dreamers...we never give up on our dream when it's dark...but love...that's different...

Oh the hearts we’ve broken as we try to figure out our inner workings in the midst of following our big dreams...while selling dreams to hearts that inevitably didn’t have a chance…

Is it unfair that the dreamer wants to love and feel loved while pursuing their passion? Of course not…but the lines we cross and don’t even see it…the dreams we sell and come to find we don’t even believe 'em…the love we express and give with great intentions…to the hearts we can’t mend after placing them in broken condition…

I've sold this dream and I've purchased it too...

I've broken hearts dreaming and so have you...

"It's all in practice" is what we tell ourselves after our hearts have mended

But we may have misread practice for the love we needed that shouldn't have ended.   

 Signed,

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy

Chasing The Wrong Lover

On a cold rainy night in Chicago…a woman who had experienced an amazing love chose to expose herself in front of a room full of people. She had high hopes that the heart of the man she had loved and lost would be in attendance and would receive her words. She was called to the microphone and upon arrival she searched the room with hopes of seeing him…but he was nowhere in sight. In that moment she still made the decision to share her vulnerability with strangers by reading an original poem from her poem book. After expressing her deepest feelings for this man that she cared for…she immediately left the building and tossed her poem book in the trash on the way out the venue because although the love for him was very real…the situation was a burden she could no longer carry. It was the tension that she wanted to do away with...and when she calculates the amount of time it took to release her heart on to that page in her poem book plus the tremendous amount of courage it took to go to the place that he frequents to share her heart…it was too much for her to handle.  

See you don’t understand that she played out exactly what was going to happen in her mind before this very moment. In her brain…her dream photography job in New York City that she worked extremely hard to attain…was giving her an opportunity to mix business with pleasure. She was to fly back to Chicago where their love was birthed, work a shoot for her job during the day, then go to the Sanctuary that night and sign up to read her poem for him. When she’s called to the stage she was going to say “I wrote this for someone and he’s here tonight,” she was going to read it, he was going to receive it and then the love was going to be right again…but he wasn’t there to hear her heart…and that was enough for her to say I’m done! There was no fight left in her…Interesting enough it was a short fight...nothing like the fight she put up for her last man. 

See there was a time when everything was perfect with her and the heart she was after in Chicago…maybe too perfect. The beginning was great and exciting because it’s refreshing, new, and it felt good to be adored by him. There were weeks of carefree great times and she got to thinking “he might be the one.” Now her pride challenges her to question how she drew that conclusion in the earlier days. That same pride was helping her ignore the key moment that changed everything. That moment after making incredible love when she decided to inform him that she was taking a trip for a few weeks to handle some business…and see a past lover that she had years of history with to see if something was still there. A man who wanted another chance after asking her to marry him and then leaving her without a trace or warning and she couldn’t find him. She was willing to forgo what she was building in Chicago after receiving a phone call for someone who walked away from her disrespectfully without leaving a way to be contacted finally reached out to her after months of being missing.

She told herself she wouldn't take the trip to see her old lover if this new lover in Chicago told her not to go because in her heart that equated to him caring about her...it equated to her having him...but he said he was cool with her going...more than likely because she showed him that her heart was with someone else and that was enough for him to try his best to shift his heart in another direction.

She went on her journey to fight for her past and fell flat on her face and when she returned to Chicago she went to the Sanctuary looking for her new lover and he was nowhere to be found. She told herself she'd call him tomorrow…and when tomorrow came around she saw him out on the town with another woman and it hurt her heart so badly she decided not to call. What she did decide was to go on a few dates with one of his friends and one night while on a date with this friend of his...they ran into her Chicago lover and she was embarrassed and left.

The Chicago lover followed her out and took the higher road and discussed all that had taken place while she gave him attitude. He questioned why she never called after returning and she responded by saying she saw him with another woman. Eventually they came to an understanding and put the other woman and her dating his friend behind them and begin to date again.

A few months later they ran into an issue when she couldn't let go of the fact that he dated another woman while she went on her journey to chase her old flame. She vocalized to him that because he chose to date that other woman...she didn't trust him! He was baffled by her words as this other woman was clearly a thing of the past and only happened because of her journey to chase her past. Yet and still it's how she felt and enough for him to be done with her. 

After the love was gone she worked hard to get her dream gig in New York and left Chicago and the love that could’ve been. New York gave her time to think about this love that could’ve been and time to realize that what she left in Chicago was special…

But on this cold rainy night in Chicago…he’s clearly not special enough because she has no fight left in her as she opens the door to the taxi that she just flagged down…

My guess is she didn’t want to fight for this love that she knew was greater than anything she had experienced before…because she had previously fought hard to love the wrong person. Her pride was blinding her from seeing the difference between the two. She no longer knew what was worth fighting for. There's so many things in life we think we want that we don't need. It's a shame that we waste so much time and energy fighting for those things that when it's time to fight for what we need we're burned out and give up on fighting for it. We are victims of chasing the wrong people and fighting to keep them when they weren't suppose to be kept.  

Two days ago...my friend Jamie told me something that I found to be very true...

"In this lifetime we will fight for gifts, glory, and garbage...and sometimes we won't know trash from treasure because we mistake cravings for starvation."

It's important that we know the difference to understand who is worth fighting for and who is worth letting go. 

Signed, 

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy

Unlocking Love

The routine upon opening my eyes in the morning is reaching for my iPhone and open my YouVersion Bible application. These days I'm searching for peaceful ground as I walk through this maze of life that is constantly filled with uncertainty and change...

Normally before the morning ends my mother calls and we talk about whatever we talk about...more grounding is found in these conversations about nothing that always seem to lead to something I can walk away with and hang my hat on when fear and doubt decide they want to hang out with me. 

Last week her call came through in the midst of me reading Romans as a part of YouVersions "Soul Detox" plan. I wasn't aware that our conversation would lead to her dropping a few gems on me. 

Our convo started with our normal morning greeting and small talk about what she has planned for the day in the city of Cleveland. She answered and said she was thinking about one of my friends...I told her this friend was going through some tough times as they were in the midst of getting a divorce. She was saddened by the news and went on to say there are so many marriages ending in divorce and it's something she doesn't understand. I know she is truly bothered by it because this isn't the first friend I've had who has divorced their spouse and every time she hears anyone speak on divorce she's saddened.

I went on to express that although I'm not married...clearly it's hard out here. She slightly disagreed which led to me ask "Why is your marriage still in great standing after 36 years?"

Her response: "Me and your father don't have a perfect marriage but we have a really good marriage because we constantly try to out give each other."

This concept of out-giving each other had my brain buzzing a bit...Do tell more mother...

Then she spoke freely from her heart: 

"The problem with marriage is people live in a fantasy world. 50 percent of the time you won't get your way and 50 percent of the time you will. It's important that you know your lane and your job in the partnership. My job is to make my husband happy BUT I can't make him happy unless he's a whole person spiritually and mentally. If he is whole...my job is to  find out what makes him happy. The key to a happy marriage is knowing who I'm dealing with and allowing him to be that. My job is to allowing him to like his hobbies....In allowing him to do this I allow him to enjoy his life!

My job is to say yes 90% of the time. I say yes to almost everything my husband wants to do and vice versa. 10% of the time I'll say no and because I say no seldomly, he's willing to hear my reason why. Because I've said yes 90% of the time it's his job to say yes 90% of the time as well and it makes it easier for both of us to say yes! Saying "no" to each other leads to us stop asking all together and doing things by ourselves...

Also, I rarely fuss at him so when I do he's willing to listen to me because he knows I don't argue over petty things. If I did why would he want to listen to me?When I speak he's willing to listen because he knows there is some form of wisdom in what I have to say. 

My job is to let him lead...which can be difficult but easier when seeing he's spiritually and mentally grounded.  My job is also to tell him what makes me happy...He doesn't have time to guess what makes me happy...I have to voice it.  

Another thing is we're together on everything! We decide together what is best for the betterment of the family, what's best for us, and we don't make decisions on what is best for me or him. Team unity is so important that you have to find someone who understands team unity...The team is wife & husband....children are players that come and go....the spouse permanent! Your spouse should always come before the children!

I feel like I'm talking to much..."

I tell her she isn't...she's actually unlocking love...

The art of coexisting with another human being for a lifetime seems very challenging...

Then she proceeds with the following:

I think everyone should ask themselves the simple question of "Do you want a good relationship that could lead to marriage?" If the answer is yes you have to be willing to follow the rules because there are rules that most couples seem to ignore.

Here are the rules that you must consider:

1. Know their heart and personality because that doesn't change. 

2. Understand that you're on a team. Teams have one common goal. Do you know what the goal is? 

3. Spend time together laughing and not arguing! Every argument tears down relationships...laughter and encouragement builds up relationships...your job is to be encouraging! Encouragement has no negativity in it. 

4. Protect your mate! Never say anything negative about your mate to others. If something isn't going well discuss it with your spouse in private but don't gossip to others. Whatever is wrong must be discussed with your mate to remedy the problem. Your issues aren't for roundtable discussions amongst your friends. 

**There will always be somebody who has something to say or something they've seen your spouse doing...don't react...Once the two of you are in private ask your spouse questions but don't accuse. You might ask is it true that such and such happened instead of Sarah told me you did such and such! Questions give someone an opportunity to explain a situation**

5. Fight fairly. Stay on topic, don't name call, and work towards a solution that will make both parties happy. 

6. Say "I'm sorry and it won't happen again" when you're wrong...and try your best to make sure it doesn't happen again!

7. Work towards keeping the peace! 

8. Take care of your spouse...Are you willing to make sure that they are comfortable and feel safe? Men and women have to feel safe...Can I be myself and be safe here?

9. Allow your spouse to make mistakes...they won't be perfect...but don't rub it in their face.

10. Leave negativity and negative people alone! 

11. Forgiveness goes hand and hand with marriage. This is why you don't share inside information on your relationships with others. Others don't forgive like you will because they're not in the relationship...keep them out of your love life. 

I believe marriage is the greatest thing that can happen to a man or woman. It's the most lasting comforting place you can be when it's done the right way....unselfishly. It's suppose to be the only God sanctioned relationship and if you can forgive and move on you'll be fine. Everything won't go your way and some of the things you don't need to go your way. Marriage is permanent support and we all need support.  Marriage isn't this magical place where two people walk through the park hand and hand for 50 years. It has it's up and down, good and bad moments, exciting and boring parts....but if you're committed you'll learn the rules and commit yourselves to each other. 

Marriage can be like business...most businesses won't flourish overnight and everything doesn't run as smoothly as planned during the first few years but when you stay committed...you learn from the mistakes and sooner or later the business grows. Sooner or later you'll look up and recognize that through BOTH of you working together you've created a great relationship. You have to ask is your mate worth the work? 

The key is continuously giving your best to the person that deserves your best. Remember you chose to be with this person as they chose to be with you! Why wouldn't you give them your best?

And with that being said she was done speaking and told me she had to run so she could go pick up some new thread and needles before heading to her quilt club at Noon. We said our goodbye's and Romans reappeared on my screen...

I sat there in my bed digesting everything said...

Love was unlocked courtesy of my mother...

Signed,

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy

The Power of "I'm Sorry"

"FINE! I'm sorry....Did you hear me...I'm sorry! Are you happy now?"

They sat there in silence...until she left the room leaving him with a heavy aching heart filled with questions...

Why express yourself for all of this? 

Why say I didn't like it when you said that to me or when you did this certain thing it hurt my feelings...What's the point if it leads to this moment almost every time?

An hour of debating and going back and forth with someone you love just to prove that they've wronged you. For whatever reason they fight you tooth and nail to avoid being wrong...to avoid sincerely saying "I'm sorry, that was on me, what can I do to make it right?" 

With no accountability on her end in sight...she settles with "FINE! I'm sorry! are you happy now?" accompanied by an attitude and an exit. At this moment he no longer wants the apology and is left questioning the love he thought they had. A very big loss for the team...the type of loss that kills team morale and makes free agency look very appealing.   

Many of us have acted out that scene...representing the man, woman, or both at some point in time... 

The amount of love that is represented in the words "I'm sorry," delivered sincerely to someone that you've done wrong by is supremely underrated. I'll go as far as saying it's the single most important factor in any relationship that will stand the test of time. Sincere apologies say "I love you" more than than verbally saying "I love you" simply because it's an action that expresses the verbal statement. It's an action that says I mean it when I say I love you and I want to show you by acknowledging the hurt I've caused. In addition, I'm attempting to remove that same hurt that I've afflicted upon you now that you've made me aware of it. Sincere apologies say I want to reconcile this fracture I've caused because you matter to me. Not only do you matter to me...but we matter to me and if one of us is damaged then we're damaged. Real love lives at this level of sincerity.

This is the level a majority of us don't reach because of the foolish pride and deceit that overtakes our hearts in these important windows of opportunity... 

It's not a window for us to feel sorry for ourselves or make excuses for why we did what we did. It's not a window for attitudes, sarcasm, dishonesty, falsehood, faking, or wallowing in our feelings of always feeling we're the one in the wrong. It's not a window for you to blame someone else...

It's a window to prove how true the love that we confess for someone is. A window to humble ourselves in our imperfections and recognize areas we can grow and be better in. A window to allow the person you love to practice forgiveness...

A sincere "I'm sorry" followed by the proper action of actually changing so the same fracture to someone's heart isn't made speaks in volumes to the person you're dealing with. We're human so mistakes are inevitable but being accountable for your mistakes and sincerely saying "I'm sorry" every time is a decision only you can make. 

It's the lack of sincerity that drives us apart...

It's the continuous heartfelt honest "I'm sorry" that keep us together...

There's no real reconciliation without sincere apologies...

 The long lasting true love that everyone is looking for lives inside of sincerity and reconciliation...

That long lasting true love lives inside of you...it's just tucked under your pride...

Signed,

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy

P.S. New York City! I hope to see you at my final Winter Sessions show w/ my band Nat Turner Feb. 28th! Info available here

Fillings for Feelings

Gloria Jean b.k.a. Glo is my cousin who was born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Fresh out the south...Glo came up under her mother and my grandmother on the burners and she is the TRUTH in the kitchen. She's an amazing cook but her specialty is baked beans. Glo is the Queen of the baked beans! NOBODY....and I'm serious when I say NOBODY is touching Glo when it comes to making baked beans! These baked beans are so incredible that they are requested in off seasons like Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's that real! 

About ten years ago on a hot summer day, I called my grandfathers house looking for Glo who had been living in Cleveland for about 10 years after she became the full time caregiver of my grandparents. When she picked up the phone I got straight to the point:

Me: Glo, we're having a bbq tomorrow and I'm hoping you are willing to share your world famous baked beans recipe with me?

Glo: If you got a piece of paper, I got the recipe...

She gave me the recipe and I baked them beans up and they were great! BUT they still weren't the incredible batch that Glo makes. I came home later that summer and went by my grandfather's house and Glo happened to be making some baked beans. In the midst of cooking she open the oven and added something to them that I couldn't see and then closed the oven for the beans to bake a little while longer. She saw me looking and said "it's all in the timing." Then I notice she had the timer set for that moment to add whatever she added. At that very moment I understood that the greatness of her baked beans was in that small window of timing. She knew this moment was monumental to the success of making an incredible batch of beans! I truly realized how important this moment was a few years later when she missed that key moment to add her special ingredient as she rushed to the stove and was pissed when she turned to me and said "well this batch is no good" as she threw them away.

She's so alert when she's making those baked beans...waiting for that small window in time to add her love to the equation...and the great part is her love is unique...It's her special filling at the right time and place...and nobody knows what it is...it's between her and those baked beans...but I do know it's what makes them incredible...and It's all in the timing...

We all have a filling that we bring to relationships. A special ingredient that only you possess that can make or break the recipe. As of late I've heard a few stories directly and indirectly from women about dealing with the man they love and his lack of opening up and sharing his feelings. The thing about men is that our hearts aren't given away easily. We're guarded and when we feel that you understand us and we trust you...THEN there's a small window that we open and if you miss it there's a chance you might miss out. When a man decides to share his feelings with you...in this vulnerable and rare moment...you have a quick decision to make....what are you going to fill him up with when he's in his feelings?  A listening ear, true understanding, security...or laughter, judgement, and ridicule. The decision is yours but it will impact if he opens up to you again. Men don't talk to each other often about vulnerable situations...but from what I've heard over the years...when it comes down to men opening up...it fell on deaf ears so they cut that out altogether with certain women. 

Just like Glo's baked beans...that special filling at the right time is everything to a man and it makes him better for his woman. You'll know the right time if you take time to know your man and we know if you truly know us.

It's all in your special filling and timing...

Perspective Will Save You

We were mid-western boys united at a University that not only pushed Black excellence but excellence PERIOD! Up-rooted from our blue collar cities, we were placed in the nations capitol at 18 years of age, forced to abandon our comfort zones of home and embrace strangers that would become family as the years past. We resided on Howard University's campus at Drew Hall in room 212...and in that room we became brothers through sharing personal stories, vulnerable moments, and taking the time to truly understand each other differences. I recall a convo in which we spoke on marriage and children and he asked me what age do you want to be married by? How many children do you want to have? Where do you want to live? I asked him the same and the only answer I remembered of his was he wanted to move back to LA where he was born but I surely remember all of my answers. 

What age do you want to be married by?

26 definitely 26!

How many children do you want to have? 

Well my parents had three of us so I have to have at least three but I think a starting 5 would be great!

Where do you want to live?

When it's all said and done...Cleveland is the city!

I like my 18 year old self. I had it all figured out. I was going to graduate from Howard and go out into the working world and make a ton of money and after four years of getting settled into adulthood, me and the girl of my dreams were going to get married at 26. Afterwards, we were going to buy a house and start having children and eventually move to Cleveland. Sounded like a great plan at 18. 

2005 arrived and Senior year was upon us in the blink of an eye. I spent the summer before working diligently on my demo with hopes of becoming a songwriter but all of that changed when my same roommate from freshman year convinced me to sell the demo to students on campus and that we did very well! So well that it led to a concert in the Punch Out with a band I had scrambled to put together that I called "The Souljourners." It was crazy to me how many people liked the demo and even crazier when my mom called me to tell me that she gave the demo to my cousin who arranged a meeting for me in Cleveland the week before graduation with his college roommate...who happened to be the Senior VP or A&R's at Sony Records.

I was hyped! After taking my last final of my college career, me and my other roommate drove over night to make it to that meeting in my hometown and the meeting was great! They loved my music and said they'd be in touch really soon. Before I left the meeting this older white man who was with the A&R pulled me aside and said "you're extremely talented but I want to tell you something about this business...In the record business...A YES is a maybe and a NO is a no...today you got a yes...good luck to you."

I left that meeting feeling great! I was on my way to the top and nobody could tell me different! Me and my roommate drove back to DC and we were talking about the meeting and how I felt and then he asked me a question...When do you think you'll be at the grammy's? With all confidence I said "No later than 2008." That yes definitely meant maybe and eventually was a flat at no! Yet and still...

I like my 22 year old self. I had it all figured out. I was going to graduate from Howard and sign a record deal with Sony and record a classic album! Me and my band were going to tour the world and definitely by my sophomore album I was going to win a grammy. Then at the end of that year I would be married just as I planned. Sounded like a great plan at 22. 

Ten years later...it's the year 2015! I brought in the New Year playing with my band "Nat Turner" in Milwaukee, Wisconsin which happens to be the city where my college roommate was raised. It was great to see his family at the show supporting me and my band. As for him he couldn't make it cause he's happily married with a one year old son and living in Los Angeles, California. I'm happy that he made the answers to his questions at 18 a reality. As for me at the age of 32, I'm non-married, non-children having, non-grammy nominated, and non-grammy award winning Aaron "Ab" Abernathy and I LOVE my 32 year old self! I had the opportunity to have all the things that I don't have and made the decision to forgo them for all the right reasons at that time. 

ON THE GRAMMY:

In 2010 my demo landed on the desk of a top executive at EMI Records and I got a call to meet with him in New York City. The meeting went really well and less than three months later I signed a subsidiary deal with one of top guys in the music industry. He said he loved my music and with a few tweaks I would definitely be a star. We had 11 months to tightened up and present to major labels. He was connected to everybody in the business. When he placed a call to almost anyone, they would pick up or call him back shortly. I was sure that this was the beginning of something great. Two months after signing the deal, I received a record from him in my email inbox that he wanted me to record for my album and to present to labels. This record was soooo corny. It was a bad record and definitely something that I would never sing! I told my management that I politely decline from going in this direction and they agreed with me. They delivered the message and that was the last time I heard from that top executive ever again. We had nine more months left in the deal to work and nothing! The subsidiary deal terminated the next year and that was that. I'm pretty sure If I would've recorded what he wanted me to record...I'd probably have a grammy but there was no way that I was going to be someone that I'm not to climb the latter to get an accolade. 

ON MARRIAGE:

It's very simple...great people are very easy to come by and I've been blessed to spend time and get to know women who are extremely talented, wonderful, and beautiful human beings...but locating the rare find that fits you that is not easy.

Keyword: RARE 

rer/

1. • (of a thing) not found in large numbers and consequently of interest or value.

     "the jellyfish tree, one of the rarest plants on earth"

     synonyms:unusual, recherché, uncommon, unfamiliar, atypical, singular

     "rare stamps"

In my mid twenties I can be honest and say I didn't know myself well enough to know who I was in order to know what the rare find that fits me looks like. At 26 I had an idea but truly didn't know enough about what marriage entails and most importantly myself to vow to spend the rest of my life with someone else for better or worse. I was in serious conversations with the woman I was madly in love with at the time about getting married because 1.) I felt like we'd been together for years and 2.) I LOVED HER and 3.) it was what I was suppose to do right?...WRONG and I'm glad we didn't go through with it because it wouldn't have been fair to her or myself.

What was interesting about my mid twenties was I didn't even know I was focused on fitting into the program that the world sells to us daily...

- Finish school

- Get a good paying job

- Meet a significant other

- Get married

- Buy a house

 - Have children,

- Live happily or sadly ever after  

I actually went the opposite way of what the world deems as normal and to this very day I'm questioned on...

What age do I want to be married by? 

How many children do you want to have?

Where do you want to live?

Feels like I'm 18 all over again but this time I'm totally okay with not knowing the answers to any of these questions. What I found in my late twenties was perspective in spending years by myself. I needed to be alone way more than being with anyone. The years I've spent by myself, getting to know myself and dealing with myself are my golden years. In these years I've found out who I am and have cleaned up the mess around my heart so that I won't damage others. I've grown and continue to grow to be a better person by being hard on myself and fairly assessing my shortcomings. I've discovered that we all go about life in different ways and no particular way is the "right" way. I've discovered the way I want to go about it and what I need to maintain my happiness...therefore I know what the right love for me looks like. At 32...I can identify my rare find and in the proper time we can answer all the questions above...

In the proper time....

TIMING

Alone I discovered that timing is everything and sometimes love and timing just don't add up. It doesn't mean that you have to abandon the love but you do have to be mature within the frustration. I've watched and been a part of the frustrating situation of bad timing and witnessed the disbanding of relationships because of it.  I've seen people hurt each other because they weren't realistic about the bad timing and their expectations were impossible to reach. Sometimes there is nothing that can be done in that space and time to appease what you want...that's when perspective is most helpful. Sometimes it's no ones fault...it's just not time! I truly believe that everything (including LOVE) works in God's perfect timing!  

ON LIFE:

The greatest thing I've learned is my life is my story and no one else's. We can listen and receive advice from friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers but at the end of the day we have to live with every decision we make so it's highly important that you do it your way. There are so many things that will be out of your control and so many situations that you can do absolutely nothing about but you will always control your destiny, how you treat others, and most importantly the decision to grow to be a better person everyday. It's your choice to be aware of yourself and your shortcomings and it's also your choice to clean up your heart and heal from whatever has happened to you that's hurt you. Sometimes it's very painful to deal with ourselves and the messiness that comes with life but it's worth the pain in the long run. No one is responsible for cleaning up your heart but yourself!

In 2015 fight hard for yourself cause your personal story is told through your existence. We're already reading your chapters...try your best to make sure it reads like you see fit. Don't expect everyone to understand how you choose to live your life and what you have planned to accomplish. Don't be afraid to move on when situations, friendships, and relationships are over. Era's end and new ones begin...and the few chosen people that God has handpicked to walk through each era you'll go through in life will always be there. Those friends are rare finds as well.

As far as lovers are concerned...don't settle...take time to truly understand yourself and what you need. When it's all said and done...there's no such thing as a physical type...there's nothing but a heart type...Is their heart compatible with yours? Will they be honest and vulnerable? Will they respect your differences? Will they be able to handle your crazy (cause all of us are crazy in our on type of way)? Are they seeking out self-growth? Are they willing to grow with you?

Most of the people you date will not fit your specific equation and that's okay but if you have an agenda to be married or have kids by a certain age you'll ignore it and that's dangerous. The person who can do all of these things is the rare find! Love awaits you...The question is will you wait for the right love for you?

Signed,

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy 

P.S. While you're waiting for love the world needs you...meanwhile I'm still after that grammy!

Hope to see you out at my winter sessions w/ my band Nat Turner...Dates available here

The Art of Playtime

We shared the same bed in the back room of my grandparent’s home when my parents went away to play. I remember it well because my brother and I were bookends to my sister as my grandmother always placed her in the middle so that the young woman wouldn’t fall out of the bed.  My parents scheduled their playtime once a month in which they spent alone time out of town. We had no clue where they were and honestly didn’t care because we were consumed by grandma’s good cooking that was always made with love, granddad’s wisdom and story telling, and a backyard that was canvas for what ever we could conjure up in our young minds. Playtime weekends would always end with a doorbell on Sunday evening/night followed by the familiar voice of my father greeting his parents. After grown up conversation was finished he would round us up to say our goodbyes and then we would head home.

I recall returning home from my grandparent’s house one weekend after my parents went away to play…to find a new picture hanging over the fireplace. The picture captured a black woman with a short haircut in a white dress whose body was shaped like the letter “S.” 

                                            Judith Jamison | Cry

We asked mom who is this? And why is she hanging over the fireplace? She told us the woman in the picture goes by the name of Judith Jamison and she is a famous dancer who plays a big part in Alvin Ailey’s dance company. She said this past weekend she saw dances she choreographed in New York City and it was incredible (then she began to dance around our living room and we laughed).  After her imitation of a dance she pulled out a VHS tape that read Alvin Ailey on the cover and told us we could watch it later…

All I know is that when later came…we watch the heck out of that tape!!! Thinking back on that time…I truly believe what made that Alvin Ailey VHS so captivating is I had never seen African Americans dance that way. Sure I had seen Michael Jackson, James Brown, Tina Turner, Janet Jackson, and others get busy but this was TOTALLY different. This was my introduction to modern dance and I was a bit mesmorized. I think the shock came from my young brain thinking my people only danced like Michael Jackson and James Brown…when I thought of ballet and modern dance, I didn’t think of African Americans but my mom continuously challenged and released all limitations in our minds dealing with African American people. In a world where it seemed that we are constantly limited…on the east side of Cleveland my mother chose to show us the only limitation were in our minds. She’s a facts only type of woman and never taught us anything without backing it up. African Americans in modern dance was one of the many cultured lessons she taught us and showed us about through this Alvin Ailey VHS.  

Over the last 4 years I started implementing my own playtime…

Although I don’t have a playmate…it hasn’t stopped me from traveling around the world alone and with friends to discover what life has to offer through culture, inspiration, hope, and education.

In March I found myself at Mardi Gras with one my best friends “Stevona” aka Stevie who lives in New Orleans. While perusing the NOLA streets for delicious food and catching beads at several parades...she asked me if I was down to go see Alvin Ailey with her in New York in June…My response was “I’m wit it!”

Last Monday she arrived in DC and on Tuesday morning we journeyed to New York City and experienced one of the best times of our lives! We traveled to New York via the Bolt Bus, which happened to break down about an hour and fifteen minutes into our trip.  The driver hopped on the speaker and simply said, “Well, there's summin wrong wit dis bus!” Me and Stevie looked at each other and immediately started laughing! Not because the bus broke down…but because the man said it like your inner city uncle would. After a semi-long wait we pulled off on the same bus just to pull over again about an hour outside of New York to wait for a new bus to arrive.

When we arrived in New York, we took the A train to Akwaaba Bed & Breakfast in Brooklyn and checked in.  We were greeted by Erica the innkeeper who was so welcoming and just plain cool. She led us to our place of lodging and then invited us back down for Tea Time at 4pm in the lobby. We had tea and spoke with Erica about the history of the property and life and before we knew it…it was time to get dressed...so we did exactly that and hopped an Uber car to the Lincoln Center. 

As we were walking towards the venue an older African American man stopped us and asked “Are you going to see Ailey tonight?” When we told him that we were...his face was filled with excitement and he raved about how great it is and how he was glad that we were going to see it and how young black people need to see this! His excitement reminded me of my mother dancing around the living room when I was a child before letting us watch the VHS. It’s proof that all art inspires and moves our hearts to a happy place.

After conversing with the gentlemen we walked inside of the David H. Koch Theater and witnessed the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater entertain a sold out audience for two hours. IT WAS PHENOMENAL! It’s really hard to express how great it was. It was interesting to see “Revelations” live in person after seeing it on the VHS so many years ago. The dancing and music that accompanied of course were familiar but the energy created in that room was undeniable. There was so much inspiration in every dance presented that evening.

After the show we headed to meet up with my good friend Bill who picked out a restaurant in the city called “il Buco Alimentari & Vineria,” for us to have dinner at.  Bill invited his twin brother Chris and Stevona invited her good friend Hollins to join us. Upon arrival...Bill spoke about how excited he was for us to indulge in this incredible food and that we did!  

Over crispy artichokes, carrots, kale, crispy polenta, the best pasta I've ever had in my life, and the incredibly flavored roasted short rib...we toasted to new friends and enjoyed great conversation and laughter. It's days like these that you don't want to see come to an end! 

I've been blessed to experience days like last Tuesday several times over the past four years. As I reflect on my playtime around the globe...these incredible times don't happen by coincidence. It is your job to curate your playtime and make sure it's filled with pleasure and a great time so you can return home and back to work fulfilled!  

To guarantee my playtime is fulfilling...I make sure it includes these three non-negotiables:

1.) Great Company

2.) Great Cuisine

3.) Great Adventure

This trifecta captures the art of playtime!

Even when traveling alone I always seem to find great company when I'm seeking great cuisine or something to get into. 

So what do you need to guarantee that your playtime is successful?

Where are you spending your playtime this summer?

Something to ponder...

Signed,

Aaron "Ab" Abernathy

One Major Thing Relationships Are Missing Today

During Memorial Day weekend, I was blessed to be amongst family to witness the marriage of my cousin to the love of his life in Brooklyn, New York. No matter the event or location...I love that my family will gather to celebrate each others’ lives on a consistent basis.  I recall when my brother married a few years ago in Portland, Oregon...which happens to be nowhere near the city of Cleveland where most of my family resides...but it didn't matter because the distance couldn't stop a majority of my aunts, uncles, and first cousins from flying across the country to witness one of the most important commitments in his life. Memorial Day weekend, that same majority gathered in Brooklyn to celebrate another life long commitment. During this intimate wedding and reception, there was a special moment that opened my eyes to something that has been in my face my entire life and I didn't fully grasp its significance until then...   

My uncle, the father of the groom, was the only person who spoke during the reception. Before he blessed the food, he took the time to elaborate on how the groom was his youngest child, his only son, in whom he was extremely proud. He stated that his son chose a wonderful woman for his wife and expressed how happy he is to call her his daughter. He explained that both the groom and the bride's families must now choose to come together and love one another because of this wonderful union.  He extended a warm welcome to the bride's family and informed them that they may call upon us if they needed anything. He spoke about how his son has continuously honored him and his mother, as parents, and although they are still his parents...he is to honor his wife first...and in doing so, it will never take away from honoring them. Lastly, he said, " I want to bless this food with a prayer that I learned from someone I hold in high regard, my late great father-in-law, Garlen Abernathy Sr." (my grandfather), and then he prayed.   

He only spoke for about 2 to 3 minutes max...but what he did in that small amount of time was powerful. He honored his son, honored his daughter in-law, extended our love to her family, he made sure his son knew that honoring his wife is now his first priority, and last but not least, he chose to honor my grandfather. 

I've thought about his speech since the wedding and this morning I came to the realization that I was raised in a family where we were taught to honor each other. Honor is the key ingredient that keeps my family so tight knit with each other and it was taught by example. 

My grandfather was the sixth of twelve children. His father (my great-grandfather) taught them that they had to get along and they weren't to argue and fight with each other.  My grandfather passed that down to my father, my aunt, and two uncles…and they passed it down to my siblings, my first cousins, and me. Our grandfather continuously told all of us to take care of each other and always honor, respect, and love each other because family is all you have. 

Like any other family, we'll have our disagreements but my grandfather was adamant about us finding a solution quickly so that bitterness wouldn't set in and ruin the bond that we have built. The key word is finding a solution, which benefits the entire family.  I'm thankful that I've heard this my entire life because it is engrained in me and has extended to my generation of the family.

Respect and honor are often viewed as synonymous, but just because you respect someone doesn't mean that you honor them. There are several people we respect for the content of their character, skill set, and impact on society.   However, respect is a prerequisite to being honored. The people we honor in our lives are already respected by us and in addition are held in HIGH REGARD... But, more importantly, honor is part of a behavior.  We can see how much we honor our love ones in the way we speak, react, approach, care for and show love toward one another.

It's so common to see my family honoring each other that seeing the overwhelming amount of dishonor occurring in our society is always shocking to me.  What is most disturbing is how honor is the key thing missing in numerous types of relationships today from parent/child to teacher/student to customer/business to romance. There are so many times when one notices the disrespect and the lack of honor.  But, honor begins at home.

Growing up, I made my fair share of mistakes. I was foolish, like most children and even more foolish in my teenage years. I lied to my parents and did a few stupid things that landed me in trouble.  But, I'm truly thankful that when I made mistakes, my parents still honored me as their son. They never cursed me out, degraded me, or made me feel stupid or worthless because of the poor choices I made. They did punish and correct me out of love, but somehow they managed to discuss only the mistakes and why they were indeed mistakes. Then they would begin to build me up, encourage me and point me in the right direction.  

To be honest...even if your parents didn't give you this type of honor...you should honor them because they gave you life!   That is one of the many reasons I honor my parents. They chose to give me life.  I also honor them because they continue to lead by example. It is important to note that we are all being watched. People are watching to see how to honor family and how to honor each other in love. 

I have never seen my parents embarrass each other! When in public, they've never cut each other off while one of them is speaking. They've never belittled each other, and they've never intentionally tried to make the other person look or feel bad when in the company of others. They ALWAYS support each other no matter the circumstance.  Even if one of them says something out of line in public...the other manages to create an environment of support. They protect each other out of the honor that they have for one another.  It's their decision to do so because "Honor" is a choice...

“No person was ever honored for what they received. Honor has been the reward for what they gave.”   — Calvin Coolidge

I love that quote because it focuses on honoring being a reward for giving!

Think about this for a second...

How many relationships do you see where a man is honoring a woman for the time and sacrifices she has made for him?  How many times do you see a relationship where a woman is honoring a man for the time and sacrifices he has made for her?  Well, you are blessed to be able to witness relationships where there is much sacrifice and much giving. When there is much giving you will see examples of honor and loyalty because when honor is the principal part of a relationship, it's a beautiful thing. 

Sometimes, people refer to this type of kindness and giving as a sign of weakness...but they are mistaken.  When someone has chosen to continuously bend over backwards for you...why wouldn't you want to do the same for them? Honor is what makes relationships grow! Honor blesses all types of relationships.  It is what creates friendships and solidifies relationships between children and parents. It's a catalyst for growth.

It's shameful to see someone give all of their being to someone and not receive the deserved honor. It's so popular to see people embarrass and belittle others in public, and I hate seeing it every time it happens.... The saddest part is that sometimes, honor is missing in romantic relationships. This is unfortunate because no one forces anyone to be in a romantic relationship...one chooses to be with that person. What I don't understand is how you say you love someone that you do not honor? 

For me personally...Honor is where real love is revealed...

- Honor says I will serve you  (most people want to be served and not do the serving). 

- Honor is giving out of love (some people see giving as a weakness). 

- Honor is letting someone know through your words and your actions that they're a great person that you hold in high regard.

- In some cases Honor is loving someone who doesn't deserve your love...and choosing to love your way through the ridiculousness and pray it gets better (children, parent, and marriage relationship- for better or worse some people can't live through the worse)

- Honor is listening to someone who loves you enough to correct you for your benefit when you're wrong. You might be upset initially but honor will make you sit there and listen and rethink a situation. 

- Honor is respecting your elders! A person who is well raised knows elders deserve honor...that doesn't mean you have to believe or do what they say, but you respect them for their survival. You listen and maintain a respectful tone when speaking to your elders.

- Lastly, in love...Honor is always action...

First, consider this…to whom do you give honor?  Be honest with yourself. Do you need to improve in honoring someone? Remember, people are always watching and learning from your behavior.

Next, pay attention to people who honor or dishonor you. Some people give more time to those who dishonor them than to people who honor them. Please note that if people do not honor you, they're wasting your time and theirs...  

Just my thoughts...

Signed,

Aaron Abernathy